Journals175
Newest
reminder -
1 min read
Yo! If you want to stay in touch, head over to zeitgeistzest. 
I'm keeping this account alive for the memories... which I might be able to face one day.
With love,
~L
I'm keeping this account alive for the memories... which I might be able to face one day.
With love,
~L
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on a pendulum
7 min read
*Been trying to pick up the pieces this whole spring time. There are days still when I feel horribly sad of an ending, yet excited and thrilled of the possibility of new beginnings. For some reason, despite having known of the high chance of this happening for long now, it's hitting me really hard to realize I'm now... free. To make my own choices and decisions without having to worry how it will affect the life of another human being.
*Our flame burned high and bright at the start, but it's probably why we flickered out so horribly strongly as well. It was a slow process to admit the truth, and I'm still partly in denial, but sometimes you gotta realize when it's time to admit the truth, and move on.
*I still miss him, his company. I'm so used to share bits of my life to him that it's hard not to pick up the phone and call or text etc to tell of some silly thing that happened during the day. I'm so used to curl up next to someone and feel safe. Which is why, I guess, that it's been good in a way to have spent so much time alone now. I've had to embrace the insecurity of it, to learn it's not to be feared. Had I immediately gone to mom's or something for comfort, I don't think I'd be this calm right now while writing this.
*Maybe one day I will be able to look back on our better memories together and feel gratitude. Right now all that reminiscing does is make me feel hurt, even bitter, and ponder on all the what-if's. Ponder on all the lost chances of a shared future. Think of the bad, too, and feel more bitter and regretful. It's not healthy, I guess, but I'm allowing the thoughts in for short moments - knowing that if I don't let them and completely deny them, I'll be sad all the more in the long run.
*I've moved our rare pictures together and the pictures I took while being with him to my external hard-drive. He was a big part of my life for almost 9 years, and I feel I shouldn't completely eradicate him from it. There's many lessons to be learned from this whole thing, and one day I'll be able to look at those images and not feel so horrible - like happened with the pictures and memories of my first cat, Lumi. After her death, I couldn't stand even the memory of her. Now I can, and I can even smile as I think of her fluff fur and beautiful blue eyes.
*Despite me having been so quiet and drawn from everyone, it's been amazing how supportive my family and friends have been. Hell, I have even reconnected with my father.
*On my good days, I'm planning my future. My own future. I'm looking up opportunities to work / study elsewhere than in Tampere and Jyväskylä. I need new places, new faces, without the memory of him lurking around the corner. I love my current apartment, but the walls are closing in on me. I'm interested in, despite the higher rates of rent, moving to Helsinki, and I'm also drawn to the east, where my favorite place in this whole country is - Lake Saimaa. Or who knows, maybe I'll move abroad. I now have a chance to reinvent myself, be myself in full force, and though it's a little scary to think of all the possibilities, it's exciting, too.
*Mom wishes me to get a dog, lol, for companionship and to force me to go outside regularly. I should look into looking after one beforehand, though; as some of you may know, my relationship with the cat(s) weren't that... successful. Ahaha...
*For now, I have a need to take a little bit of distance between myself and the memories. Everything related to us. I got my ears pierced recently and am thinking about, if these heal alright, getting a lip piercing. I've cut my hair shorter, by myself, and the end result wasn't too bad. I'm pondering about what to do with the things he gave me, as gifts (and realizing how little I could give him in return, on many levels). The need to move elsewhere is strong. I've a strong need to call him and sometimes I think we could be friends, but for now I need a lot of distance between myself and him. (Which, for some odd reason, seems to be upsetting him; or maybe I'm just being too cruel and bitter, or just reading too much into things - something I'm dang good at.)
*My ring finger feels... strange. I keep touching it all the time somehow, looking... searching... not finding.
*In the need for a change, I've already set up a new internet nickname.
While I like this one, there are so many... well. I don't want to delete this one, though, nor my old social media accounts. - On DA, it's zeitgeistzest. There are some... crappy poems already lol. (Poke Medoriko, I'd rather use the new account for NaPoWriMo stuffs... and for the reasons mentioned above, I haven't been able to focus on group things much yet. But I will do my part, as promised.)
- On Instagram, it's zeitgeistzest__ (You can see pics of my new hair too, haha.)
- On Twitter and Steam both, it's zeitgeistzest as well. On Twitter, be prepared for damned, self-pitying whinings lmao.
- I'm not that into Skyping these days, but for that it's zeitgeistzest@outlook.com. I might even make that my new XboxLive account, who knows.
- Not sure if I'll start a new Tumblr, but hmmm.
*Considering how often I've changed accounts, I'm not expecting anyone to start following the new one. I'm not even sure if I'll post that much, nor spend so much time in the chats. But - new life, new accounts - new adventures.
*I hope you're all doing well, and if you read this far, thank you.
*I know I can deal with this, and grow stronger from this. In time. Right now I'm feeling quite numb, detached, and disinterested in a lot of things. I'm not sure if it's also a twisted form of peacefulness - it's over, for good... finally. It's both depressing and relieving, y'know. I've no special need to talk about these things, but I will probably end up talking about him a lot still, mentioning him, using pronouns like 'we' and 'us'. Or maybe not - who knows. I guess in a way I'll never really stop missing him on some level, but one day it'll hurt a lot less. It'll take a while, but maybe some day I can let someone else in past the walls that I've put up for now...
*
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revelations
2 min read
Haaah, as I was cleaning around, I found this piece of paper mom had written after my birth... It's some sort of astrology stuff, I'm translating it here the best I can. 
Laura 07/08/90 // Leo
Polarity: masculine (lmao)
Element: fire
Quality: solid (?)
Governing planet: Sun
Position of the moon: Pisces OR Aquarius
- reveals fundamental state of mind, indicates what is most important, greatest desire
Pisces:
- prone to being overly sensitive (escape to their home [HA]), compassionate and hospitable, a true friend, longs for a spiritual bond
Aquarius:
- wants independence in emotional life, bright and smart and good-looking, don't expect for commitments (uhhhh)
Ascendant sign
- represents personality, style, what everyone else sees (appearance, manner of speech, behavior); also reveals what longs for
at 08.30am Libra
- loves books
- appears charming, dresses in colors that are harmonious together
- very loving, longs for love in return
- (ok this one's a bit more awkward) lower back and buttocks an erogenous area
Attractive by appearance, longs for a balanced relationship
...
Laura 07/08/90 // Leo
Polarity: masculine (lmao)
Element: fire
Quality: solid (?)
Governing planet: Sun
Position of the moon: Pisces OR Aquarius
- reveals fundamental state of mind, indicates what is most important, greatest desire
Pisces:
- prone to being overly sensitive (escape to their home [HA]), compassionate and hospitable, a true friend, longs for a spiritual bond
Aquarius:
- wants independence in emotional life, bright and smart and good-looking, don't expect for commitments (uhhhh)
Ascendant sign
- represents personality, style, what everyone else sees (appearance, manner of speech, behavior); also reveals what longs for
at 08.30am Libra
- loves books
- appears charming, dresses in colors that are harmonious together
- very loving, longs for love in return
- (ok this one's a bit more awkward) lower back and buttocks an erogenous area
Attractive by appearance, longs for a balanced relationship
...
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Bookshelf Project + Games
7 min read
I really need to stop buying more books until I've gone through this list. 
Seriously. My bookshelf is already too full. D; Or I need a new, bigger shelf... LOL. See picture below! But yeah, there was a sale in the local bookstore... 
3 paperbacks for 15€... plus 1 for free! 
My bookshelf is in alphabetical order, but I started from the other end!
I've already finished some of these titles, but writing them all down anyway. Books I've discarded from the shelf are striked over. (Reasons: Not intriguing enough, the writing style bothered me, not as good as I remembered, etc....)Read in 2016 or earlier:
- M. Zusak: The Book Thief
R. Xu: The lost and forgotten languages of Shanghai- Xenophobe's Guide to the Finns
- M. Waltari: Sinuhe egyptiläinen (The Egyptian)
- S. Tzu: The Art of War
- J. R. R. Tolkien: The Hobbit
- J. R. R. Tolkien: Lord of the Rings
- J. Theorin: Sankta Psyko
- M. Smith: Killer Elite
- G. Slovo: Every Secret Thing
- W. Shakespeare: Sonnets
- D. H. Schmitz: Die spinnen, die Finnen. Mein Leben im hohen Norden
K. Shamsie: KartographyL. See: Flower Net (didn't even really bother finishing..)M. Sedgwick: My Swordhand is Singing (didn't really bother finishing.. enjoyed this as a teen, though)
Books to read in 2017:
- A. Reynolds: Revelation Space series 1-2 {part 2 0/???, reading part 2 later...}
- R. Newcomb: The Chronicles of Blood and Stone trilogy
- J. Mutzenbacher: oder Die Geschichte einer Wienerischen Dirne von ihr selbst erzählt (Oh! Oh! Josephine)
- M. Musashi: Go Rin No Sho (A Book of Five Rings)
- E. Moriel: La ciudad sin tiempo
- K. O. Morgan: The Oxford History of Britain [might read later]
- G. R. R. Martin: A Song of Ice and Fire 1-5
- L. Marklund: Nobels testament [I'll need a Swedish dictionary with this one hahaha...]
- H. Mankell: Kinesen (The Chinese)
- S. Luoma: Poket (Bouncers)
- V. Linna: Unknown Soldiers (Tuntematon sotilas... and yes, I got this in English instead of Finnish)
- J. A. Lindqvist: Människohamn (Human... Port?)
- J. Limnéll & et al.: Kyberturvallisuus (Cyber Security)
- J. E. Lewis: The Mammoth Book of Combat
- R. Kirkman & J. Bonansinga: The Walking Dead novels 1-2
- V. Kivimäki: Murtuneet mielet (Broken Minds)
- A. Kivi: Seitsemän veljestä (7 Brothers)
- S. Kinsella: Remember Me?
- J. Kellerman: The Murderer's Daughter
- L. Karvinen: Riisiä tiskin alta (Rice under the Counter)
- J. G. Jurado: Contrato al Paraíso
- R. Jordan: The Wheel of Time 1-6 [missing quite many books from this series still... ;w; might read later]
- L. R. Jones: The Secret Life of Amy Bensen 1-2
- L. R. Jones: Rebecca's Lost Journals
- L. R. Jones: Inside Out 1-6
- P. James: Atom Bomb Angel
- E. Itäranta: Teemestarin kirja (Book of the Tea Master)
- A. Holopainen: Ihon alaiset (..under the skin?)
- A. Holopainen: Pohjoistuulten jälkeläiset (Descendants of the Northern Wind)
- A. Holopainen: Sonja
- R. Holdstock: Ancient Echoes
- E. Hoffman: Lost in Translation
- X. Guo: A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary For Lovers
- P. Gregory: The Queen's Fool
- O. Goldsmith: The First Wives Club
- D. Glukhovsky: Metro 2033
- D. Glukhovsky: Metro 2034
- R. Gay: An Untamed State
- J. Fielding: Life Penalty
- D. Eddings: Books 1-5 of the Belgariad
- S. Day: Crossfire novels 1-5
- D. Crystal: A Little Book of Language
- J. Cox: Live the Dream
- L. Cooley: Pretty girl Thirteen
- P. Coelho: O vencedor está só
- P. Coelho: A bruxa de Portobello
- P. Coelho: O Alquimista
- A. Chaudhuri: Three Novels
- S. Brown: Low Pressure
- M. Anderson: Haven of Obedience
- S. Abulhawa: Mornings in Jenin
PLUS books I have on Google Play Books but these have 'less priority':
- E. L. James: 50 Shades of Grey
TOTAL: ____/58 (80+ I guess if you don't look at the series 'as a whole')
K. S. Robinson: Antarctica- A. Reynolds: Revelation Space 1
- Y. Sigurdadottir: The Undesired
K. Reichs: Deadly Decisions(didn't really bother reading it all... yaaawn)- P. Pullman: His Dark Materials trilogy (read so recently that, though I love this series, well, I've others I've never once read)
C. Norton: Hunted- M. Banks: Breathless trilogy part 1
And then, video games.
I have so many I haven't played through yet... So I'll be focusing on those.
means haven't started the game, never ever before. 
means have started but not finished. (Square brackets indicate current 'location' in the game.) Although, the 'priority' is to focus on games not played through before.. so for example I'm probably going to skip DMC1 (the controls are godawful ahahah) and FFVII (finished this on Steam a year or two ago).Unlike on my profile, these are in the alphabetical order as they are on my shelf and excluding which console they are on. I have some games that require Xbox Kinect, but I'll exclude them from the 'play through' list as they aren't 'played through' the same way as the others...
- Bioshock
- Bioshock 2
- Bioshock Infinite [Hall of Heroes / Shock Jockey quest]
- Devil May Cry 1
- Devil May Cry 2
- Devil May Cry 3
- Devil May Cry 4
- Dirge of Cerberus - FFVII [Nibelheim]
- Dragon Age: Origins [Tower of Ishal / Ostagar]
- Dragon Age II
- Dragon Age: Inquisition [Skyhold / Hinterlands]
- Final Fantasy III [Castle Argus]
- Final Fantasy IV
- Final Fantasy V
- Final Fantasy VI
- Final Fantasy VII
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy IX
- Final Fantasy X
- Final Fantasy X-2
- Final Fantasy XII [Ogir-Yensa Sandsea]
- Final Fantasy XIII
- Final Fantasy XIII-2
- Lightning Returns - FFXIII (NewGame+) [Yusnaan]
- Final Fantasy XV [Main Quest: A Brave New World, doing sidequests and hunts before going across the sea]
- Forza Horizon [??]
- Metro 2033 [uhh some tunnels in the beginning..]
- Metro: Last Light
- Spyro the Dragon
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Watch Dogs
Total: ___/31
And here's where I'll move the game titles once they're finished..:
..
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