ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
English translation in italics right below the Finnish text!
1. Maksa ensin 2 500+ euroa B-ajokortista, ja muutama tonni lisää jos haluat lisää kirjaimia korttiisi. Lisää laskuun muutama satanen jos reputat kokeissa ja joudut ottamaan lisäajotunteja. Älä unohda pimeänajokoetta äläkä liukasrataa. Muista käydä II-vaihe läpi kahden vuoden sisällä, muuten joudut aloittamaan koko rumban alusta. Jos perheessäsi on jo ajokortillinen, hän voi opettaa sinut ajamaan ja pääsette hieman halvemmalla... paitsi että hänen täytyy ensin suorittaa jokin koe osoittaakseen olevansa opettajakelpoinen autoilija.
1. Maksa ensin 2 500+ euroa B-ajokortista, ja muutama tonni lisää jos haluat lisää kirjaimia korttiisi. Lisää laskuun muutama satanen jos reputat kokeissa ja joudut ottamaan lisäajotunteja. Älä unohda pimeänajokoetta äläkä liukasrataa. Muista käydä II-vaihe läpi kahden vuoden sisällä, muuten joudut aloittamaan koko rumban alusta. Jos perheessäsi on jo ajokortillinen, hän voi opettaa sinut ajamaan ja pääsette hieman halvemmalla... paitsi että hänen täytyy ensin suorittaa jokin koe osoittaakseen olevansa opettajakelpoinen autoilija.
- First, pay $2,800+ USD for driver's licence class B, and a few thousands more if you want more letters to your licence. Add a few more hundreds to the bill if you fail the tests and are told to take extra driving classes. Don't forget your night-time driving test or the slick road test. Remember to complete phase II in two years' time, otherwise you have to start this all over again. If there already is someone in your family with a licence, they can teach you to drive and you won't have to spend so much money on the whole deal... except that they first need to complete a test of sorts to prove that they are a good enough driver to teach someone else.
- Get a car. Unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, don't even bother dreaming of cars manufactured in the 2010's, nor in the early 2000's. With good luck you (in other words, your parents) can afford a five-grand car, but if not then you'll have to be satisfied with a tin can in the price range of a thousand or two. Be prepared to pay for repairs that'll cost three times more than the vehicle itself.
- Now we get on the road!
- Check the weather and the calendar before you start the engine. From November to April, the law demands your car needs to have winter tyres on (studded or friction according to your own preference and financial resources): driving with the wrong tyres can cost you a lot in the form of a fine. If it so happens that it's already snowing in October, you're allowed to change the tyres; and if in May there's still snow on the ground, then you're allowed to keep the winter tyres on. If the weather is uncertain and you get pulled over by the police, tell them you're headed to Lapland, everyone knows it's always cold and snowy up there so the winter tyres are a necessity: you could keep a map with you (not Google Maps) with the route to Utsjoki marked with a red marker pen. If you already are in Lapland and there is no snow, then just accept your fate. The sum of the fine will be decided on the severity of the traffic violation and on your annual income.
- Now check which country your car was manufactured in. If it's a German car, remember to turn on the headlights before you move anywhere—the law says that even during daytime hours you are supposed to use the headlights. If your lights are not on, the incoming traffic may flash their lights at you; if you see a lightless car, keep flashing your lights until the dork realizes their mistake.
- When driving, remember that all the others are blockheads who know nothing at all about driving a car. You are the best driver in the world, which means you're above the law and can bend the traffic rules according to the situation so that your own travel doesn't get hindered. If you're a female driver, then all the other female drivers are good-for-nothing stupid suns; if you're a male, then you're automatically at the level of a professional driver. Congratulations.
- Those signs with numbers on are just speed recommendations, especially between Helsinki and Tampere that 75mp/h limit is just ridiculous—push the pedal to the medal! Just remember these two things: the police is allowed to keep an eye the speed of both incoming traffic and those coming behind them, and here and there are these birdhouse-like speed cameras. If you spot a white Transporter, Saab, Skoda, or a motorcycle anywhere, push on the brake—it could be the police (in civilian disguise)! Not all of the speed cameras are on due to budgeting reasons, but some of them may have an orange-tinted CD inside to make it look like the camera is on: because of this, it's a good idea to slow down by 12mp/h the moment you spot a camera. You'll know by the orange, blinding flash whether the camera was on or not; if you for some reason missed noticing the flash, then don't worry, the police will mail you a confirmation letter of this event.
- There are three ways to use the blinker: 1) three miles before you need to turn, 2) when you already have turned, 3) not at all. If you're driving a BMW, then nobody expects you to use a blinker anyway.
- When the need to overtake arises (and it will), then do it as rudely and recklessly as just possible. On a long stretch of straight road you can overtake about five other cars in one go, and even on a winding road it's possible to overtake at least two before you need to return to your own lane. In Midsummer traffic jam, use the overtaking lane to get stuck a few yards further than the fools who didn't come up with this brilliant plan themselves.
- When someone else is trying to overtake you, accelerate quickly. When the other driver has to return behind you, feel free to slow down again. On a sixty-two zone it's good to keep the speed at about fifty, so that the others have to go forty-three.
- Never use the horn, no matter how pissed off you might be at that blockhead who doesn't realize the lights have changed to green. You are not to scare the other drivers or pedestrians with sudden sounds! Just yell some powerful words to yourself and seeth with anger for the next six miles.
- Safety distance is just a concept created by patronizing, puritanist aunties. When you see a space in which your car could possibly fit, rush to it by force if necessary. Catch up with the car driving ahead of you and keep as close to it as just possible. If you're facing a hill start and your car jerks backwards and hits a vehicke behind you, then you are most likely to be held guilty for the incident; read nro. 20 for further instructions.
- If you notice an emergency vehicle with the lights and sounds on, drive your own vehicle into the ditch or on the sidewalk to cause more confusion... or push more gas and hope there comes a bus stop or other extension soon to let the rescuers past you.
- If for some reason you get pulled over by the police, then you better take out your driver's licence (hope you have one...) and the registeration papers of your vehicle. If you refuse to prove your identity, you may end up in jail where you can ponder about some deep philosophical shit. If you have a valid licence but don't happen to have it with you, the police can check it from their system; you may get a verbal warning for not keeping it with you, but unless you did something really stupid then you should be able to continue your journey. The fellows over at the customs have a right to pull you over as well if you go over the speed limit or otherwise drive recklessly, so be aware of meeting them too.
- In an effort to avoid such unpleasant meetings with the authorities, try find out where the local police like to hang about. Popular places for stop checks are intersections and crosswalks by schools and day-care centers, intersections which are well-known for being dangerous and straight stretches of road used for speeding, road construction sites, and 19mp/h to 25mp/h zones. The police is a rare sight in the countryside and in Lapland where the distances between one town to another tend to be long, so if for some reason you run into cops in such places when going 25mp/h over the speed limit in 25mp/h zone (where nobody else usually moves around), then you can only curse your own bad luck. Loser.
- Forest roads, even the small paths, are for rally races. You'll surely be the next Neste Oil Rally champion, so better practice, practice, and practice. If you somehow manage to drive into the woods, then get your car towed as soon as possible do that you won't have to pay to the forest owner for damages caused by oil leaks and whatnot.
- Don't let the pedestrians or cyclists go across a crosswalk. If you do so, then shake your fist at them to express your frustration at how your journey got slowed down. Don't especially give them way when those jerks don't even bother using the crosswalk.
- If you see a pedestrian or a cyclist by a road which has no sidewalk, then drive as close-by as just possible: you may even get to laugh when the poor car-less thing has to jump into the ditch among stinging nettles in order to avoid becoming roadkill.
- During rains and slush, remember to drive over all the puddles in the hopes of getting to ruin someone else's day. Be careful though, your own vehicle may become dirty and you'd need to go to an expensive car wash.
- If you see someone has pulled over by the road, then do not stop to ask whether the other would need help, even if they had the hazard flashers on. But do slow down to ogle at the situation, maybe even take a picture to Instagram, and then just keep on driving. Nothing has happened. If you are a kind soul, then call to the public-safety answering point (112) and report to them. You can also reassure yourself that someone else has already made the call. If you're the poor bastard by the road, then hopefully you're in the condition to call for help and possibly for the tow-truck by yourself.
- If you screw up by for example shutting down the engine when you stop at the traffic lights, then go home and cut your licence in half. The whole world must be laughing at you, the moron, and you better not sit down on the driver's seat again.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
Just little something I started writing down when I went for a lonely car ride 'round old 'hoods. Some of these contain a hint of truth, some are utterly sarcastic, some are based on my own experiences as a pedestrian/cyclist/driver, and the rest may or may not be complete bull. And there's so much more I could've added...
I think they're trying to get rid of the licence phases/stages, but back when I got mine, there were two phases to complete: I) taking driver's theory and practical lessons, including the slick road test and the actual driving test; and within two years, II) night-driving test, another slick-road test, some more theory and showing that you can drive..
Anything else that needs explaining, please mention in the comments and I'll reply to here in the author's comments. It's 3am and I just want to sleep.
First wrote the Finnish parts, then translated them into English over the past several days. Corrections to any grammar errors / use of wrong vocabulary (looking at you native English speakers now) on either versions are welcome, I'm too tired to pick them up myself.
June ?? -July 4, 2015.
I think they're trying to get rid of the licence phases/stages, but back when I got mine, there were two phases to complete: I) taking driver's theory and practical lessons, including the slick road test and the actual driving test; and within two years, II) night-driving test, another slick-road test, some more theory and showing that you can drive..
Anything else that needs explaining, please mention in the comments and I'll reply to here in the author's comments. It's 3am and I just want to sleep.
First wrote the Finnish parts, then translated them into English over the past several days. Corrections to any grammar errors / use of wrong vocabulary (looking at you native English speakers now) on either versions are welcome, I'm too tired to pick them up myself.
June ?? -July 4, 2015.
© 2015 - 2024 Daghrgenzeen
Comments20
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
This was hilarious! I'm glad I don't live in Finland! $2800 for a license?! Sheeeesh!
Thanks for writing this, it really made me laugh! Great sarcasm!
Thanks for writing this, it really made me laugh! Great sarcasm!